Sometimes the hurdles that life presents you with somehow lead people to believe that good people do not exist in this world...

I mean you could have the "ideal" life

A wife/husband, two gorgeous kids, four bedroom house complete with a swimming pool, the BEST friends anyone could ever wish for.. wait hold that "ideal" thought.

"Certain" experiences that have occured have lead me to believe that there is no such thing as "Best" friends.. before my family's tradgedy, we had people coming everywhere, left, right and centre. Summer nights spent out in the backyard basking in the starlight and reminiscing on old memories, Winter evenings spent hosting formal dinner parties..

After our downfall.. the prescense of the "friendship" and "companionship" that was so rarely scarce in my childhood, had now become somewhat non-existant, being young and naive, i continued to think it was nothing and things would return to normal soon enough.

Of course it didn't and this left a constant dent in my opinion of friendship and making "Best" friends, to this very day, i still strongly believe in the difficulty in finding a "good" friend let alone a "Best friend" i mean dont get me wrong, i do have friends, but i don't keep them too close, because no one really knows what's going to happen in the near future.

I have seen friendships of thirty years been torn apart, friendships of six-months, friendships of two-years..

No I am not a bitter old woman, whose wrinkled face is marred with the sneers of knowing too much.

I'm just a fed up adolescent..

BUT.. not everything is as bleak as i have described, because i thank God for helping me find my two "Best Friends", The most amazing people I know, that really have supported me through thick and thin..

I love you guys, you keep me strong.

xx.alternateturnout

Well okay, second post 

mood; passive

there are many forms of rejection...many forms of getting hurt, many forms of vunerability.

I experienced a form of rejection today, in my aplication for an important role... i was disapointed, like any person would be, i felt like screaming because i had put myself in a position where it was easy for me to get hurt.

vunerability...

but the rejection that really cuts deep more than others is unrequited love.

there's this guy.

there's this girl.

typical story line, and sometimes an extra person is thrown into the mix to make it a hell of a lot more complicated, and i as a person I am way beyond maturity in these types of situations.

I mean who would, being involved in a situation like this;

whenever you see them,

the temperature in the room rises a couple of degrees,

when the smile at you,

you feel as if you will spontanously combust

and when you see them with someone else,

your heart feels as if it's shattering into millions of little pieces like fragile shards of glass, hitting the floor one.by.one.

I want to say to this person, how stuck i am, i'm alive and breathing, and I would wait forever if it didnt hurt so much, the air around me seems heavy and i become disgusted with myself as i experience new feelings that have never been un-earthed until i meet you and you blew them out of the ground.

Jealousy

Envy

to name a few, you have turned me into a person, i would have been repulsed by long ago. Whenever i look back, i find it so hard to remember who i used to be and where abouts i lost myself and who i was along the way. At times, i shamelessly speak of the bad things i do... and when the "moment" has passed and I'm sitting alone, with my thoughts as my sole companion, i realize what a bad person I have become, all to impress you.

Have I impressed you?

I do everything with you en mi piensamento (in my thoughts) you're always a valid factor and influence on my actions.

will i offend you? will you like what i wear, how i look?

Am i disgusting to you?

these and many other thoughts plague my mind when the sun goes down. when I'm alone and vunerable.

but i try to feel empathy and have some kind of understanding between myself and the 'other' girl, i imagine what it would like to be her, to have someone else hung-over 'your man'. as much as it hurts I need to understand to become a better person.

I admire you so much, and i dont think words alone can explain how strongly i feel about you, i think i can safely say...

I'm stuck on you bby </3

ily.

xo.alternateturnout.